Why the Florida State head football coaching search should end with Read and Reaction

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Chances are if you’re one of my readers, you threw up in your mouth a little bit at this headline. To be honest, I did as well.

But I’m starting to feel a little bit sorry for some of my friends who root for Florida State.

After all, Bob Stoops thought a gig in the XFL as coach/GM of the Dallas Renegades was better than trying to turn around the Seminoles. His brother, Mark Stoops, thought being the coach at a mid-level SEC program was better than one of the (previously) preeminent ACC programs.

At this point, it feels like the initial rumors of Deion Sanders might actually come to fruition. Not exactly what fans were thinking when Willie Taggart was let go after the loss to Miami.

Thus, I’ve been weighing my options and believe that I have some qualities that could provide some value to Florida State. So I’ve officially decided to throw my name into the ring to coach the hated Seminoles.

I don’t do this lightly, as I know that it will upset some of my most avid readers. But I trust that by the time they get to the end of this article, they’ll understand and support me in this endeavor.

Therefore, here are my qualifications that I believe make me an excellent fit as the new head coach at Florida State. If you care about me at all I urge you to forward this to your FSU friends and help convince them that I’m the man for the job.

Financial Requirements

Let’s be honest. After $18 million dollars to make Willie Taggart go away – plus whatever additional funds are required to buy out his staff – there probably isn’t a whole lot of money going around Tallahassee.

According to public records from 2005-2016, the Florida State athletic department has realized $1.032 billion in revenue with operating expenses of $991 million. That leaves $41 million in profit over those ten years. Compare that to the Flagship University in the state with $1.38 billion in revenue and profits of $149 million over that same time-frame.

The Gators could afford to get rid of Jim McElwain. I’m not sure I can say the same about FSU and Taggart.

This has been confirmed as Florida State has been asking its boosters for more money to fund what it is calling its “football renaissance.” But the question that should be lingering to boosters is what happens if they pick the wrong guy again? The answer is that they’re stuck with him, no matter how bad he is.

Thus, I bring an economical solution. I’ll coach the Seminoles on a per-win basis: $250,000 a win.

It’s a win-win really. I don’t make $500,000 a year now and with two cupcakes every year, that’s basically my guarantee. And if I drag the program further down into the gutter, they can put money in a cookie jar for the next head coach.

It’s just the practical solution.

Overarching Philosophy

Much like my wife often says about many of my ideas, my concept for how to be the head coach at FSU is exceedingly simple.

Everything Willie Taggart tried backfired in his face. The fact that “lethal simplicity” and “#DoSomething” became phrases rival fan bases used to troll the Seminoles is proof of this.

It reminds me of my favorite episode of Seinfeld (yes, I’m old) where George realizes that every instinct he has is wrong and so is goaded by Jerry to try the opposite. After all, if every instinct he has is wrong, then the opposite must be right.

And that’s how I intend to turn the Florida State program around. There could be no better way to get in the good graces of the Seminoles faithful and to put a successful product on the field than to do the exact opposite of everything that Willie Taggart did.

Therefore, I submit to you the Costanza Plan.

Tear it all down

Relevant Taggart Quote: “This is not a rebuild. This is more of a realignment.”

Let’s be honest here. The Seminoles were in much better shape when Taggart took over than they are right now. That program – no matter what revisionists tell you about Jimbo Fisher – was loaded.

The 2018 team ranked 5th in the 247Sports team talent composite rankings. The 2019 team ranked 6th. But where did all that talent get them? A 9-12 record, that’s what.

So clearly, recruiting is overrated.

Instead, my program at Florida State will focus on bringing in players who are gritty and are willing to put in the necessary effort to get better. My regime won’t tolerate any players who are out for themselves instead of the team. I don’t care if you’re a 5-star player if you don’t have a 5-star heart.

After all, Clemson was able to build a team that kicks Florida State’s butt regularly and hasn’t recruited nearly as well.

Harmless Complexity

Relevant Taggart Quote: “Lethal simplicity. We want to score fast and often. But be really simple when teaching our players when it comes to teaching our players, not confusing them or what they need to do.”

Coach Taggart clearly went too far on the simplicity scale. That will be an issue for me as well since I have zero head coaching experience.

That means that I will need to bring in high-level coordinators on each side of the ball. They will need to have both college coordinating experience and experience at the pro level as well. I want them to have experience recruiting the state of Florida. They also will have to fall into the financial requirements of the job.

Fortunately, I have one of those coaches in mind already.

My offensive coordinator will have experience as a coordinator at multiple schools. He also has professional experience as a tight ends and QB coach. He’s recruited in the Big 10 and also in the SEC, focusing on the state of Florida. There is also a National Championship on his resume.

Tallahassee, let me introduce you to Douglas K. Nussmeier.

Dehydration

Relevant Taggart Quote: “I think after going through last weekend and seeing our guys going down and cramping, one thing we talked about with our medical staff is our guys got to hydrate.”

This is perhaps the statement that made rivals snicker the most this season. But it’s also something I am perfectly positioned to address.

I mean, c’mon. I’m a scientist who has a bachelor’s degree from the University that invented Gatorade.

After going to the well for the Nussmeier hire as OC, I’d be remiss if I didn’t consider bringing in strength and conditioning coach Mike Kent, another stalwart from that Gators 2017 staff. But instead, I have somebody else in mind.

After all, if it’s good enough for Captain Insano, it should be good enough for FSU.

Rabbit Ears

It was pretty clear that the direction of Florida State’s program starting impacting decisions that were made.

I wrote back in March that the hiring of Kendal Briles reeked of desperation. If you read the post-mortems after Taggart’s firing, it wasn’t just Briles.

Apparently Taggart meddled with the defense as well, forcing Defensive Coordinator Harlon Barnett to switch from a 4-3 scheme to a 3-4 scheme brought by analyst Jim Leavitt.

So Taggart so believed in the systems that he put in place that he completely changed both the offensive and defensive schemes after one year? The only thing that can cause that sort of things is listening to all of your critics.

The good news is that I don’t care whether Florida State wins or not. Outside of the $250,000 that I’d earn with each win, I actually kind of want to run the program into the ground.

I don’t care what the fans say, Nussmeier’s getting at least four years to fully install his system and recruit his players.

I’ll take the job

Perhaps the biggest reason that I should be considered is because I’d actually take the job.

Urban Meyer isn’t coming to Tallahassee. Neither is James Franklin, P.J. Fleck or the Stoops brothers.

That means you’re left with Dave Clawson (Wake Forest), Matt Campbell (Iowa State), Tony Elliott (Clemson), Jeff Scott (Clemson), and Mike Norvell (Memphis) to choose from.

After running off Jimbo Fisher and firing Taggart after a year and a half, I don’t suspect that these guys are champing at the bit to leave their secure gigs for the pressure cooker of a second-tier ACC program.

Hence, the Deion Sanders rumors.

There are other benefits of extending the job offer to me:

• I’ve lived in Tallahassee before so the fact that it’s in the middle of nowhere isn’t a deal breaker.
• I fully expect the players to quit on someone like me with no experience, so I won’t be surprised like Taggart was in 2018 after his team quit against Clemson.
• I don’t like seafood, so there is no risk of crab leg theft within my administration.
• Nobody can troll the program by saying they hired a coach with a sub-.500 record.

So even though I have no coaching experience and a limited grasp of football schemes, this really makes too much sense not to happen. I mean, how much worse could I be?

Because I really don’t care about Florida State, I’ll be able to adhere to an actual standard that puts people first and football second.

That means no more lawsuits being settled for alleged Title IX violations. It also means that when Nussmeier calls his first play action on third-and-long, I won’t go out and hire Art Briles to right the ship.

Not under my administration.

We’ll stand for what’s right, even if that means that Florida wins 41-14 every year.

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Featured image used under Creative Commons license courtesy D Wilkinson